I Have Questions
by elloteenah
Summary: Sophie sees something she can't quite believe. It brings up memories from the past and gets a little messy. Manchester Pride 2017. Sophie's POV. Rated T/M for sexual content, mention of death and the hopeful hearts. All four chapters upload at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't even ask me what this is. A four-parter that came to me a while back and I'm ashamed I took the time to write it but it's happened and I'm sharing it. It didn't help I met Sacha Parkinson in June for Amy James-Kelly's project Last Summer in June. A brilliant experience where we spoke a lot to Sacha about the Siophie storyline so this came from it. And uploaded just as Manchester Pride weekend has ended! Oops.**

 **All four parts will be uploaded at the same time.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

"Rosie, where have you put my charger?" I shouted, going over making sure I had everything I needed in my bag before I left. Just one final piece missing.

"How would I know?" she said from the kitchen.

A couple of months I, out of my mind, agreed to finally move out of a parent's house and into my own place but with Rosie. It's still living with family but without the watchful eye of Mum or Dad on us every second.

Living with Rosie wasn't as bad as it sounded. We had our ups and down, of course like any sisters or roommates but for the most part we kept out of each other's hair. Rosie either went out every other night (bringing back Adam every so often made me raise eyebrows on more than one occasion) or on her phone. Most evenings we didn't really speak.

I've spent most my evenings watching films I've seen a thousand times before or some series on Netflix everyone else is.

I'd browsed the odd dating app in my loneliness but nothing enough to make me go ahead with it. I wish I more like Rosie in that sense, the confidence to go and get what she wants is something I wish I had inherited from her.

Something I I wished she'd learn from me? To stop stealing my things.

"You used it last because you're too lazy to fix your own."

"Well, then, it's probably in my room still," she answered.

I groaned, walking over to her room. I was meant to be meeting Sean, Kate and Rana downstairs any minute now. They going to text me when they were outside.

We're going to Pride together this year. My first since Maddie died but we thought it would be nice to go together. Sean had been missing friends to go with for a while and finally got the day off this year. Kate and Rana were still a new couple. One no one saw coming but you could clearly see they were in love and Rana—as well as her family—were embracing her change of life. I don't even know if Rana has labelled herself as anything, I just know she's happy and it shows. I'm so happy for them.

"Are you sure you want to go, Sophie?" Rosie joined me, leaning against the doorframe. "You don't think it'll be weird?"

"No," I shook my head.

Truth be told, I was a little scared. I was scared there would awkwardness between myself and Kate but we were over that really. We still spoke like it never happened. It's not like I was going as a third wheel.

And I was scared everyone would be paired up while the one I wanted to be with was here anymore.

"Look, I going because I deserve to and—"

Just then, my phone buzzed. It was a message from Kate to say they were outside in the car, waiting for me.

"They're outside," I said, locking my phone and putting in my pocket. I quickly picked up my charger and shoved it in somewhere in my bag then zipped it up and threw it on my back. "I'll see you later. Don't burn the place down."

* * *

We decided to drive to Gay Village where the event was being held but stay in a nearby hotel for the weekend because it was easier. Sean wanted to make the most of it and by most of it, he means drink more than he's ever serve in The Rovers over the space of two days. As he was our driver, we agreed it was the best idea.

Once we got there, we went straight to the ticket office to get our wristbands. The queue was as long as expected.

"So, what are you looking forward to?" Sean asked me as we waited.

"Just being here really," I said.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "You're not looking for anything while you're here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, like, what if you meet someone?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"No." I said bluntly.

"No?'

"No."

"No, you're not looking for someone?" he questioned again.

Rana threw her hands in the air, clearly noticing my discomfort. "Sean, she said no!"

"No," I mumbled, shaking my head. "I'm not."

"Why not? You're not ready to move on yet?"

At least that time, he sounded a little more sympathetic.

"Not yet," I thought about it for a second. "I just wanna enjoy this weekend."

"Do you think you'll ever move on?"

"Sean!"

This time it was Kate jumping to my defence.

"Yes," I swallowed hard, answering his final question.

I tried not to look at Kate. What a failed attempt that was. I don't even know why I thought I had a chance with her. Struggling to cope with the loneliness maybe? The first woman to pay me some attention and I ruined it. Grief does things to you as a person. I'm still healing now. But after what happened with Kate, I really am trying to stay away from a new potential relationship. Just for a little longer. I want to know I'm not doing it to fill a hole in my life like I was with Kate. I've had the odd conversation online with girls, don't get me wrong but nothing's gotten off the ground. All happened at the wrong time. So I'm waiting for the right time. I've learned love comes at the most unexpected time.

"When the time is right," I finished.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry."

* * *

The first day was as expected, everything checking out what was on offer and getting in their first drinking binge like it was no different to a music festival. The only difference is almost everyone had a flag wrapped around their shoulders. This was my first pride where I'd seen more colour flags representing bisexuals, pansexuals, transgender of all kinds and ones I didn't recognise but no less important than everyone else.

It was then I was certain I'd see a blonde who brought back every memory from my first pride and the sneaking around behind my family's backs just so I could go, with a rainbow flag wrapped around her waist, a man in a red basketball jersey's arm draped over her shoulders, from what I saw, she looked like she was having fun.

It was only from the side as the three I'd come with and I walked through the masses, looking for the exit bit I'd know it anywhere. I admired it enough as she slept.

I tapped Sean on the shoulder and pointed over to where I was looking without saying anything and his jaw almost hit the floor. He still recognised her. He looked back at me in shook and I just pushed him more towards the exit. I couldn't be for certain. It probably was just some random blonde, we all make mistakes, mistaking a stranger for someone else.

* * *

Sean called me that night. He felt like he had to apologise for his earlier actions and I quickly accepted it, a slip of the tongue is what I put it down to.

I told him he could come to room if he wanted to talk but he said he'd gotten ready for bed and wasn't sure if I had and that's why he sent a text first.

We chatted for a while but it didn't take long before the conversation turned to what we saw earlier.

"Do you really think it was her?" he asked.

I shrugged to myself. "I don't know."

"I thought she lived in Southport?"

"She did. Last I heard was she was living in London."

"Oh. Wonder what brought her up here then for Pride? Assuming she's gay, that is."

"Or bi," I suggested.

I mean, she was wearing a rainbow flag but that doesn't mean to say she's had encounters with other men since we split.

"Maybe she's going to a few or works for them? Wouldn't surprise me if she has a really cool job."

"What makes you think that?" he pushed.

"London Pride was last month. She could be here on business—why do we care anyway?" I suddenly realised.

"You're the one figuring out why."

"Then stop asking questions! I don't care. We'll probably never see her again."

"You're right could have been some random blonde."

"Exactly," with that, I looked at my watch. "I think I'm going to get some sleep now, Sean."

"Alright, babe. See you in t'morning."

"Night, Sean."

As I hung up all I could think was: _what it wasn't though?_


	2. Chapter 2

Day two of Pride—the Saturday—and it was clear to see I've had next to no sleep.

I was almost certain my mind was playing tricks on me yesterday. There was no possible way.

When Ryan came back to visit his Mum—and ruin my life but that's another story for another day—he told me Sian had a new girlfriend and was living down south with her in a flat, and of course, I believed him. Forget and move on from me in the quickest and furtherest way possible. Sounds like a good idea to me, had the shoe been on the other foot.

Just _had_ to be my brain messing me up. I wasn't in the best state yesterday. I was missing Maddie on my arm. I should be enjoying this weekend with her and friends.

I knew that's what I had to do. It was just some random stranger who looked like her from the side, like I'm not the first person to make that mistake. It's not like Sean and I were exactly friends then so how would he exactly remember what she looked like.

That's it, Sophie, talk yourself out of it.

"What time is it starting again?" I asked Kate.

She looked at her watch. "In about fifteen."

"Does anyone want at drink? You know once it starts, we're not leaving this spot for a while." I said.

"No, thank you," Kate and Rana said in almost perfect harmony. They were clearly more interested in their surroundings—and each other—to care.

"Sean?"

"Please!" he replied. "There is no why I'm missing the drag queens this year. Do you think I could pull of that look? I've the bone structure for it, I think. You know, I could do most of them out for their money—"

"Drink, Sean," I interrupted before he got ahead of himself. "What do you want?"

"Not fussed, babe," he waved me off.

Knowing I wasn't going to get an answer out of him, I rolled my eyes and headed for the nearest drinks stand.

* * *

The line was as bad as I thought it would be. Luckily, I could see some of what was going on through the gaps of people, as I walked back, drink in each hand, as well as being careful to walk steady and make my way along the path, minding out the way of anyone oblivious to my struggle.

"Sophie!" I heard a familiar deep voice but I couldn't see where it came from.

It was then that I, for the first time in five years, I saw her.

Our eyes locked.

Almost like an out of body experience.

As if we were part of a video; life was going at normal pace, everyone else in the crowd were cars speeding on the motorway and we were in front of that traffic being filmed in slow motion. Just like the Spice Girls music video for _2 Become 1_ to put it in perspective.

Then, like a hollywood blockbuster, Sian turned away just in time to see a man coming towards her. She didn't have time to react before he slammed into her. She felt him grab her shoulders in a simultaneous attempt to stop himself and her from falling. Her arm jerked on impact and watched, almost in awe, as the contents of the plastic cup spilled down her neck and onto her shirt.

And then, just like that, it was over.

"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Are you okay—" Up close, the man saw the blonde he had knocked over. His eyes went wide.

She could feel the beer soaking through her shirt. I watched the scene unfold in front of me. I froze. I didn't know whether I should go over and help but before I could do anything, Sian gathered herself together and rushed off before Sean could say anything else.

"Sean!" I shouted over, watching him watch Sian run away, his jaw almost hitting the floor. He walked over to stand next to me, we watched as she disappeared into the crowd.

"Was that who I think it was?" he asked.

* * *

When I asked Sean what he doing, he said he came looking for me after I took ages returning. Understandable but now I wish he never did!

He couldn't stop asking me about _her_. Sian. My first love. The ex who doesn't want to know me so I'll try the same. That girl. Whatever you want to call her.

""Are you actually sure?" he repeated for the thousandth time.

"Yes, Sean!" I groaned. "I remember what she looked like! Can we please just forget it even happened?"

"Oh my god, though," he gasped. "After all these years! This could be your moment! This could be your call of fate!"

"Get real, Sean," I reasoned.

"You don't believe in any of that?"

"No."

Because every time I've even gotten close to a happily ever after, it's gone wrong.

* * *

The night was coming to a close and I couldn't wait for it to come faster. My head was a jungle, very different to how I was feeling yesterday.

Sean had almost yanked my arm off when he heard Lady Gaga's Born This Way start playing from a stage. He knew it down to the first word spoken before the music started, off like a rocket and taking me with him. An unknown artist was covering it in her honour and he didn't even care, more interested in keeping up with the dancers.

I was carefully watching the drink in his hand, with his moves, it was so close to spilling over onto me and we didn't need another accident like that today.

It was _her_.

I couldn't quite believe it.

I hadn't thought about her in so long. I'd moved on, forgiven myself and gotten on with my life.

 _No_ , I kept talking myself out of it. I'm here to enjoy myself.

I was! The singer was doing all the songs I'd almost forgotten about. Past and present. Like living under a rock, I am someone who only listens to the songs in the charts, and the great ones from previous decades everybody knows.

"Okay guys, we're going to take it back in time for this next one! Sing along if you know the words, c'mon!" the singer chanted, clapping his hands in time with the beat as the new song started.

I know it! The second verse spoke to me.

 _What am I suppose to do? Sit around and wait for you? Well, I can't do that._ _There's no turning back._

I did. With phone calls, text messages and I even tried skyping her—a lot of good that did! I was waiting for an answer from her. It felt like everything we had was gone. I wanted to talk things through with her even though I knew it was too late.

Seeing her today didn't help bringing back those memories. I can still remember breaking down, watching the car drive away. My life over in an instant.

I knew it was never going to be easy moving on. I let myself sit around and mope—for no better word—at my loss. My first heartbreak, I was still young, and I never thought it would happen at the time, I thought we were forever.

It's only when you really think about it, older and wiser, that things worked out for the best—even if I still think I should have been better to her.

Moving on wasn't easy but it happened over time.

Maddie being my most important relationship since.

How I wish she was hear to experience today with me for a second time. I would do anything for one more day with her again. Experience Pride all over again, make our final moments more special, anything.

There is no turning back. I still have to live everyday as she would want me to. I also need to know get hung up on seeing Sian today. I will move forward again

So, as the song ends, to answer your question, Cher, do I believe in life after love? Yes, I do.

The crowd erupt into applaud. The deafening sound of whistles beside me wake me from my thoughts.

"Wow! Who doesn't love a bit of Cher, ay!" he cheered. "So this next one is going to be my last. Thank you for having me, Manchester Pride!"

"Aww!" the crowd sighed.

The acts were finishing up earlier than last night but I thought that's because there's a DJ coming on to play all the club classics to see the night through and the crowd going for a few more hours.

I was tired. The day had been overwhelming. I knew Sean had no intentions of stopping the party yet but I was. I needed to call Kate to see what she and Rana were doing before I started booking a taxi to take me back to the hotel while they stayed out and had their fun.

"I know, I know!" the artist sighed. "I hope you've all had an amazing time and, if it's okay, I'm going to slow it down for my last song. I want to dedicate to the forty-nine LGBT, ally lives with lost last year at Pulse. You're always in my thoughts.

Now I didn't even have to let the first note start before the old familiar feeling of tears welling up in my eyes hit at the song that brought back painful memories.

 _True Colours_ by Cyndi Lauper was the first song at Maddie's funeral. She always loved it. She told me it was one of the songs that got her through the darkest times.

Choosing the music was the hardest part. There was so much to choose from because she had such a varied music taste.

I remember her once telling me she wanted John Mayer's Waiting On the World to Change at her funeral if we didn't have world peace by then so I made that her final song because of the unfaithful way she died.

Hearing _True Colours_ brings it all back. She should be here with me. We shouldn't be singing for the lives lost in a horrific attack on the LGBT community in 2016, the exact reason Pride started in the first place.

That mixed with today's events, it was too much.

I tapped Sean on shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he said loud enough.

I nodded. "I'm going to go back to the hotel."

"Do you want me to come with you? Are you sure you're okay?"

I bit the bullet. "This is reminding me of Maddie. I'll be okay, I just want to be alone right now."

"Okay, babe," he pulled me in for a hug.

"I'm going to call a cab first. Can you let Kate and Rana know I've left?" I wiped a tear away before he could see. He let me go.

"Of course, babe. You just let me know if you need anything, okay?"

I sniffed, nodding, and I left before anyone else could see my state.

* * *

It felt like the longest taxi journey in the world. I kept looking at my phone for the time and every time Maddie's smiling face illuminated the screen. I had a little picture of her in the corner of my lock screen, just a little reminder she's always there looking over me.

I didn't cry while on the way back to the hotel. I didn't cry when I got there.

I sat slightly with my head in my hands on the bed while my brain went at one-hundred miles an hour, switching between memories of Maddie and seeing Sian again.

Why couldn't I shake those? That was it, I was never going to see her again. Purely a coincidence Sean bumped into her. She's gone again. Why couldn't I treat it like everyone else would when they bumped into a ex on the street and continue on as usual?

Take Sean for example, he lives on the same street as Billy and he never comes to me saying he misses him or he thinks he's growing feelings again. He moved on completely. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I last thought I was.

Saying that, I got ready for bed. I texted Mum to say I'd be home by tomorrow afternoon before throwing my bed on the bed and heading towards the bathroom where I brush my teeth.

I changed into my pyjamas, folding my clothes up back into my bag for the next day then took my hair out of it's ponytail. I never could sleep with my hair up.

I decided between turning the TV on or going straight to sleep when my phone buzzed.

I rushed over, thinking it was Sean, asking how I was.

 _Please will you tell Sean I'm sorry if I ruined his shirt. Let me know I've got the right number, too?_

It was an unknown number. There was only one person I could think of but how…

 ** _Who is this?_ **

I responded then waited… And wait I did.


	3. Chapter 3

_It's me. Sian._

I read it over and over. I couldn't quite believe it. I didn't know how to respond. Why was she even texting me in the first place? How did she remember my number? I didn't let myself—for even a second—believe she'd kept it.

I had no doubt in my mind she erased every trace of me the day she left. I did, too. It took longer, but I wanted to hold onto the memories for just a moment longer before deleting any evidence she was even a part of my life. From my best friend to my runaway bride.

 ** _Hey… It's not a problem._**

I kept it simple. I needed to know more from her before I even started up a conversation.

 _I just wanted to sorry about the drink earlier. I really am sorry._

 ** _It was an accident. I'm sure he's fine._**

I sent the message then quickly sent another before she could respond. She might want to start a conversation but not before I get some answers.

 ** _How did you know my number?_**

It didn't take her long to message me back.

 _I still remember it? Like I say, I just wanted to say sorry._

 ** _Accidents happen x_**

SHIT. Why did I put the kiss? Force of habit. A terrible force of habit. Shit. Shit-shit-shit-shit. _Fuck_. I know it's not even that big a deal but with an ex after years of no communication? Too casual. I should be screaming at her for remembering my number but clearly, I'm overlooking that.

I didn't hear anything from her for a while. I assumed she's either done out or just taken my last answer as the end. I was happy with either. I've never been so nervous talking to her and it was only through a phone!

It was over an hour before my phone buzzed again. I knew I should have gone to bed and ignored it but our previous interactions were playing on my mind.

 _Are you're not still at Pride?_

I didn't really know how to respond to that. I thought she'd want nothing to do with me and here she is, texting me.

 ** _No, I left early. Are you?_**

 _No. my friend abandoned me for some guy he met._

 ** _Poor, you! x_**

* * *

Somewhere in between our conversation and more harmless, unplanned kisses on the end, I plucked up the courage to ask her what she was doing and if she wanted to come over.

I gave her the address to the hotel, and waited.

I didn't know if she was coming from Southport. It wasn't the closest place to Manchester's Gay Village. If so, I knew she'd be a while. I didn't know if she could drive now or if she booked the quickest taxi.

Heck, she might be sitting in wherever she lives and laughing at me. Like I actually would think she's coming! Or maybe she's debating whether or not it was a good idea like me and taking her damn time.

I had a long think about it, too, while I waited. Out of character, I ordered a drink to come to my room that I downed in seconds. Anything really to actually get myself calm. Part of me knew it was a bad idea to invite her over, the other wanted to see what she had to say.

When she finally arrived, there was three slow knocks on the wooden door. I opened it slowly, there was a creek because of the pace. I couldn't see her at first then her head pooped around the frame.

I was almost certain my heart stopped. She was as beautiful as she was when we were fifteen— _what was I thinking?!_ _No_.

"Hiya…"

Her voice was still soft with the right amount of Northern rusk.

"Hey…," I whispered. Suddenly embarrassed I didn't even think to change into something more suitable than my nightwear. I was too busy pre-occupied with other thoughts that what I was wearing didn't even trigger.

I moved to the side to let her in. I knew she should run in the opposite direction and not look back, leave before anything started but she didn't. I let my first ex-girlfriend into an unknown hotel like it was normal.

"Can I get you a drink at all?" I asked as I closed the door behind her.

That was it. No going back now.

"Okay," she said.

And I agreed to another, too, and made it a stiff one.

I surprised myself, again.

* * *

It surprised her, a n'all. She remembered I had a difficult relationship with alcohol. She asked when I started drinking again. The honest answer? After Maddie died to cope. The answer I gave her? Socially. Which wasn't a lie either, just maybe in those first ew months after Maddie was gone, it was more that was they deemed "social".

Sat on the king-sized double bed—we both had to take a running jump in order to get on it in the first place—it didn't take us long to get into conversation like there wasn't water under the bridge.

"What do you do for work nowadays?"

I swallowed hard. "I, um… I, uh, I work as a window cleaner—"

 _Well, it was nice while it lasted_ , I thought.

Sian scoffed, speaking under the breath. "Hardly going far…"

"With Ros—hey, that's not fair."

"With Rosie?" she finished for me. "Wow, I never thought she'd get her hands dirty."

"Will you let me finish?" I snapped. I don't want to start being rude to her but, c'mon, at least let me explain first.

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm sorry, Sophie, but I can't believe you're still wasting your potential."

"Well, if you let me finish you might know why."

"Fine, fine. Go on…" she waved me off with a hint of frustration.

"Rosie moved down to London not long after you left," I started. "She tried for her modelling career down there, got a three month contract in Miami and invited me with her."

"I bet you had some fun," she said suggestively.

"Sun, sea, sightseeing and shenanigans in a photography studio with my sister—oh yeah, loads of fun!" I rolled my eyes.

"That's it?"

What was she expecting from me? Admit I may have had the odd chance with an American girl that I didn't take because I didn't want to be someone who did the walk of shame or have that awkward conversation with my sister? Not going to happen.

"That's it." I nodded. "So, anyway, when we got back, my job wasn't there anymore."

"Why was that?"

"I was working in the garage with my dad, booking in clients and sorting his paperwork. He gave me a share for my birthday," I remembered the day clearly. One of my prouder moments. "Twenty-one percent exactly."

She rubbed her chin. "Wow."

"Yeah, and I loved it. I worked everyday—and it isn't easy working with four men!' I mused and she agreed. "Then, when I got back, it wasn't there anymore."

"Why?"

I shrugged, fiddling with my fingers. "Money problems? Work overload? I don't really know. They just couldn't afford to keep me anymore so I had to leave."

"So you ended up window cleaning?" she raised her eyebrows, unsure how I got there.

"Wait!" I bit back. "We got into some trouble out in America. I got appendicitis for one. I couldn't afford not to have a job. Tim, Mum's husband, has his own business as a window cleaner so joined him because we needed money coming in. I don't wanna do it forever, but right now, it's paying the bills."

This time, she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, a small move towards humour.

"Appendicitis, 'ay? We have matching scars," she pointed towards her own.

"It was so painful!" I groaned at the memory. "I know what you went through now."

"Told you it hurt!" she mocked me.

I remember that night like it was only yesterday, too. I was a right bitch, not believing her. Being selfish and only thinking about me, myself and I and how prom was much more important than her health when I should've been the supportive girlfriend.

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry now," I half-smiled.

She smiled back. "Me, too. Sorry for judging you."

"It's okay," I blinked before turning the original question onto her. :…So what do you do now?"

"I'm a beautician. I work in a salon."

I was surprised. When Sian went to college, her favourite subject was history. I didn't know what kind of job she could get in that field—maybe a Historian or teacher. I never imagined she'd go off and do something as far away as possible.

"In…?" I said, hoping I didn't sound forward.

"In Southport," she looked down. "I live in a flat now with a few friends."

I took a few seconds to process what she said. I was lied to. "You never left Southport?"

"I was still in college, Sophie!" she quickly snapped, locking eyes with me. "I had to finish my course. Well, tried to."

"What happened?" I swallowed.

"I was subject of the class," she said. "Those few we invited told everyone what happened. Once again, we were the talk of the school."

"So what did you do?"

I could see she was getting aggravated.

"I dropped out," she said, matter-of-factly. "I wanted to move away. I wanted to get as far away from you as possible but I couldn't. I had no money. I didn't have a receipt to refund my wedding dress or anything else from that day so I had to secondhand sell it all. It wasn't enough to get me out of my mum's house."

"You stayed with her?"

"What is this? Twenty-one questions?" she scoffed. "Yes, I stayed with her. We patched things up. She was the only one there for me after you broke my heart. She got me the job. She got me off my arse and working because she couldn't stand me moping around for one more second."

"You still don't speak to your dad?" I cursed at myself for asking another one.

Sian rolled her eyes. "Time for me to ask the questions: what do you think?"

"No?"

"Right answer. He hates me to this day, Soph," she answered. "I'm surprised he didn't send me a congratulations card but I don't think they sell them for the failed."

"I hurt that day, too, you know," I pointed out.

"Oh, I'm sure you did but you were the one who could have stopped it," she dropped her bottom lip, as if to say my feelings didn't matter.

"I know that now."

"You should of known then!" she raised her voice, hands balling into fists. "You could have just walked away from her."

"How?" I asked. Like it was as easy as that. "She was Dev's daughter in case you've forgotten. She practically worked there, too."

"Ignored her? I don't know, Sophie," Sian judged. "At least you didn't sleep with her."

Now it was my turn to up the volume. "I would have never let that happen! I loved you and Amber was straight, like she would have gone there."

"I don't know, do I? I never thought she'd kiss you and look what happened."

If she was there, or at least believed me, then she'd know exactly what happened that night.

"To get some creep away from us! I never kissed her back, I never wanted her to. I took it the wrong way, let it go too far, it's my fault," I fought my corner. "How many times do I have to say sorry?"

"You don't," she said, deadpan. "It was years ago. I'm over it. We were teenagers, why are we even here talking about it?"

"Are you? Doesn't seem that way, you're the one arguing with me about it," I pushed for an answer.

"Oh, back on the questions," she spat. "You don't get to tell me what I felt—feel, any of it. It doesn't change anything."

"If you're so over it, you could have ignored me but instead you're here, in a random hotel, wanting to talk," I pointed out.

Sian stared at the door for a moment before looking back at me, I followed her gaze. "To see how you are. Seeing you was a shock and you might not think it but I was hoping we could talk and catch up like adults."

"Instead we're sat here at stupid o'clock arguing because you judged me for my job!"

"And I said I'm sorry about that," she threw her hands out. "I judged too quickly."

"Yeah, exactly like you did with Amber," I looked down.

"And we're back to that again!" she shook her head. "I think it's you that's not over it."

"I've moved on. I found happiness again but don't you think it still plays on my mind sometimes?" I looked at her face for a reasoning. "I ruined our lives."

"Ruined your life?" she questioned. "It took me years before I could trust someone again!"

"That's a lie," I almost whispered. "Ryan told me you copped with that girl from holiday?"

She pursed her lips. "Chloe?"

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly.

"Oh, get lost! He's a lair," she huffed. "I can't believe you believed him! I never even spoke to him. Why would I?"

"I don't know, Sian! Out of spite? I was upset at the time."

She rolled her eyes before shuffling away from me and crossing her legs. I hadn't realised how long we'd been sitting on them and followed her actions.

"Stop making yourself out to be the victim," she mumbled, hands twiddling in her lap.

"I'm not! Life hasn't been easy since you left. I've been through a lot since," my eyes fell to my lap, merrily catching sight of the bracelet on my wrist Maddie had brought for me on our last christmas. Not like the cheap of piece of bling I'd got her but something she'd worked extra hours in the factory for and made it extra special by adding charms that meant a lot to us.

"I know." Sian looked up at me, hurt in her eyes this time. "I saw it in the paper."

"I don't want to talk about it," I turned away from her, my gaze frozen on the bracelet.

"I'm not asking you to."

I looked up, the jewellery sparking something inside me. "If I say I'm sorry for everything that happened can we really move on? Talk about something that won't cause an argument?"

"Like what?" she spoke softly.

"Why were you at Pride today?"

"Because I'm gay woman?"

"Well obviously!" I laughed. So she still is. Why did part of me feel smug about it? The other part proud she found herself and lived comfortably with it, not forced herself to be with men just to make her parents happy.

"My co-worker, Will, is gay, too," she admitted. "We were going together. Fifty years since the law changing and all that? He wanted someone to go with so I agreed to."

"Where is he now?" I asked, just in case they were sharing a room and she wanted me out soon—just as we were calming down.

"Off getting laid probably," she shrugged. "He didn't come back here."

"He doesn't know you're here either?" I wondered.

"Nope," she said with a pop, her accent doing most the work. "You?"

"Sean persuaded me to come," I said. "He's probably off looking for a fella, too. I haven't spoken to him since I left. We came with a few other friends who are still at the festival."

"You left early?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I got a bit upset," Sian waited for me to continue. "This is my first pride since Maddie… died."

"If you don't mind me asking, did you ever get the chance to go together?"

She moved towards me and I felt my chest tighten.

"Yeah. We went just for the parade the year we got together," I smiled at the memory. "We wanted to make a holiday out of it but got into some trouble. It's a long story."

"You? In trouble? I'd have never guessed!" she joked, a little shocked.

"Oh yeah," I nodded quickly. "I've been in a bit since you left. I don't have a criminal record, don't worry."

"I was gonna say!" she giggled. "Little Saint Sophie, where did she go!"

"Whatever," I shook my head in embarrassment, pushing her knee away.

She clasped her hands together and pushed them into the mattress beneath us. "Go on, tell me more about this Maddie—only if you want to, of course."

"You really wanna know?" I tilted my head to the side.

"Course," she smiled. "She meant a lot to you. I know her life was cut short, that couldn't have been easy on you."

"No. That was the hardest day of my life. We were so happy then. We were planning our future," I wanted to stop myself there but went against it. "I honestly think I'd have spent the rest of my life with her, I—I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be saying that in front of you, I'm—"

I thought I over stepped the mark there. I knew Sian wouldn't judge me for it, be a little jealous? Maybe and I wouldn't blame but she asked about it so she was going to get the truth, and know I wondered where I stood with the blonde.

"No, it's fine," she said, moving in closer so our knees where now touching and I went cold. "Like we said, we moved on. I'm glad you found that happiness again. She must have been something special."

I nodded. "She was. On paper we shouldn't of worked but we did. It took her a long time to get there but we made it. Basically, she wasn't be easiest people in the beginning. She'd been through a lot and she was dealing with a lot of bad stuff with her family. I just wanted to help. Call it my Christian duty but it was more than that. I never set out to fall in love with her, it just happened. I never forced her to love me either."

"Was she gay or..?"

"No… I don't think so anyway. We never really talked about it. I think more than anything she was someone who falls in love with the person, not the gender. She never said anything to me."

"That's actually lovely. It's great she thought like that," she blinked. "I wish more people thought that way."

The conversation stayed on Maddie for while longer. Simply asking about her life and the things we got to do together, nothing over the mark, she respected that. I think I would have opened up eventually but just couldn't. Not today. Today felt like the weirdest thing. This morning I wanted to cry that I wasn't here with Maddie, almost twenty hours later and I'm still gobsmacked I'm in a hotel room with my ex girlfriend. An ex girlfriend I was close to having a full-blown argument with earlier and now we were getting on like when we were in school. It felt good.

"Do you remember our first Pride?" she gasped. "How we never got found out."

"We kinda did!"

Sian looked at me questionably.

"Sean? At Ashley and Claire's wedding, on the train. He saw he saw my double or something," I reminded her.

We did so good as well to avoid leaving at the same time as him so we couldn't get the same train and the place was so packed, we were certain it was a one in a million chance we would bump into him but clearly a slimmer chance of him spotting us—luckily it went over his head.

"Oh yeah! Wow, I don't know how we got away with that. Especially after the festival…" her eyes went wide.

That was a hard week. I hated lying to my Mum more than I already was but I couldn't keep away from Sian then. I wasn't even allowed to text her.

"We were good at lying and sneaking about, obviously," I smirked.

"Obviously," she giggled.

"Bit like we are now."

"Mhmm, I suppose."

I shook my head in disbelief. How she suddenly didn't see our set up as a massive issue, I don't know. It's not like she's easily forgiving.

I looked at my watch. It was so much later than I thought. To be honest, I didn't feel as tired as I thought I would be which was nice but I knew I shouldn't leave it to late in letting her get back. Saturday night cabs were probably getting ready to start picking up the drunk'uns from not only Pride but nightclubs in the area, too.

"It's getting late," I said. "I won't be hurt if you want to go home soon."

Sian stopped me before I could finish. Her hand closed over mine and I froze. Her touch as sensitive and reactive as it always had been.

"I'm staying," is all she said.

I gulped.

I looked up from our hands and into her eyes. Something had changed. The anger was gone. The support was there. The same support I'd received from her again and again, always grateful and patient with me. My rock.

In a bold and brave move, I leaned forward. Testing the waters, I moved towards her. Our lips brushed and I kissed her gently. Pulling back, I looked back at her, then down to her lips, looking for any sign she'd reject me. I moved my hand to her cheek and, to my surprise, she kissed me back.

My heart went ten to the dozen in a matter of seconds.

We sat, cross-legged, remembering each other's mouths again. It wasn't rushed but it wasn't slow either. Sian's hands had moved to either side of my legs and I hadn't moved mine from her face.

I didn't know where this was going, I wasn't looking to take it anywhere. In all honesty, I'm waiting for her to push me away, even slap me for thinking it was okay to make a move and run—run and never see me again.

All this and what she said, it reminded me our first time together. What an unplanned mess that was. Things had gotten heated in our relationship up to that point but nothing too serious. I was still fifteen and we had made it clear nothing was going to happen until we were legally able to. Although I had read about it and watched, secretly, enough lesbian smutty content to educate myself, nothing prepared me for the nerves that night. Sure I was drunk but not to the point I didn't know what I was doing and trust me, I sobered up quickly when I realised what we weren't about to stop. It was so clumsy. I don't regret anything from it but no movie warns you for the mess that is all your emotions and fears together at once. Sian had had sex before but that didn't stop her being as nervous as me. We were both girls, we had no idea what to expect. Our bodies were like unsolved puzzles to each other and we had to figure it out.

The kiss begun to get heated. I brushed my tongue along her bottom lip, hoping for something. My hands had moved to her hips. I surprised myself. Blame the override of emotions, I wasn't doing much thinking. But no more surprised when my back collided with the soft matters now beneath me. My breathing quicken when her tongue moved against mine. The kiss no longer sensational but rushed and desperate for something more.

From above me, I felt her hand slip under my shirt and brush against my skin before she removed it and went to fiddling with the buttons.

Why had I chosen to wear this, why did I change into some stupid nightwear? Well, bumping (almost literally) into my ex, having her come to my hotel room and slash or getting laid wasn't exactly on my list of weekend plans.

Sian moved slightly so she had more access. She pulled away, staring at me for some form of answer for just a second, her fingertips moved towards my bare chest. I couldn't bare the thought of us not close, I peppered her neck and shoulder with kisses while her hand found my breast. I followed her, squeezing together. My body became a pool of water, flooded with heat. I gasped. Without opening my eyes, I knew she was watching me. She kissed me again,

Finally, I touched her. Moving my hands under her shirt, I needed to feel her heated skin and give her an ounce of what she was giving me.

We knew we wanted each other. It was pass the point, and, like our first time all over again, neither of us did anything to stop it as we peeled off each other's tops.

I felt her fingers slip into me. She pumped two digits into me easily like she remembered how I liked it. I tried to kiss her as my hips rocked with her movements. Instead I had to let her attack my neck and heighten my pleasure by finding my bundle of nerves.

I didn't even try to hide what I was feeling when she picked up the pace but I did avoid saying her name. I didn't want to ruin it, make a reality of the situation, scared if I spoke she'd stop because she realised what she was doing—who she was doing.

My head fell into her shoulder as she brought me to the edge. My hands slowly leaving her back, heading south before she finished.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't think I realised how much I missed intimacy until I got it again.

It'd been a while and that's why I didn't think what we were doing was wrong because I missed it so much.I wasn't evening thinking who I was doing it with. I had made attempts to have something since Maddie died. Not a relationship but a little fun. I'm still human. While I turned to a bit of drink during the toughest days, meaningless sex never crossed my mind. I was too broken to leave the house for a while and I don't own the confidence to go to a club or bar looking for it. There were times I was tempted to go out with Sean but I knew I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. No different to now.

But right now, in this moment, I let myself have it and returned the favour. I forgot I missed that part, too. As amazing as it is for someone to make you feel good, making someone feel good is even better.

Sian didn't kiss or even touch me as I worked my way around her body. Her hands gripped the mattress beneath us. I didn't think anything of it, more focused on pleasing her, trailing kisses along her jawline, down to her neck and chest and letting my fingers slipped beneath the elastic of her underwear.

"Oh, my God," I didn't stop myself whispering when I felt her wetness, amazed I still had that effect on her after so long.

I stroked along the line before curving two fingers inside. I almost smirked at her reaction, certain she'd feel my smile in her collarbone.

It didn't take long for her to come undone. I moved myself off of her. Not a word was spoken, we lay side by side, our heavy breathing was the only sound.

I suddenly felt dirty, the tears weld up the corner of my eyes. I wanted to turn and look at her, say something but I couldn't. Instead, I rolled over in the opposite direction, pulling the white crisp duvet with me and covering myself. I wasn't about to be exposed emotionally and physically. It was only a couple of seconds I felt Sian do the same.

* * *

Ever since I met Maddie, I'd become a light sleeper. Ever since our first night, I was always scared I would wake up alone again. The smallest sound has stirred me since.

So it didn't surprised me when a banging on the bed woke me.

There was Sian, sat on the edge, reaching down for her discharged top and pulling it over her head. She rubbed her knee.

I sat up, holding the sheet close to my body still.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, my body still in its sleepy state and adjusting to the bare-mineral light.

Getting up. She walked over to her shoes and put them on best she could while still standing with nothing to balance herself on. She seemed in a rush.

"I'm getting out of here," she spat.

"What," I said, unsure I heard her correctly.

She threw her hair up into a messy bun. "I'm leaving, Sophie. Do you understand that?"

"Why?" I frowned.

She almost gasped in disbelief. "Why? Because this shouldn't have happened."

"You came here, remember!" I replied angrily. "Okay, I'm the one who kissed you but you—"

"Yeah, alright. I get it," she said between her teeth before going on a search for her bag. "I shouldn't have. It was mistake."

"Was it?" I questioned.

she picked up her satchel and threw it over her shoulder, groaning. "Yes, Sophie! A stupid mistake. I should've never come. I'm sorry."

"So, you're leaving me again?" I swallowed hard, pulling the duvet closer to my chest, hoping it was cover my venerability.

"You're not gonna make me stay, Soph."

I remember the last time she said that and my heart dropped in the same way.

"I'm not. I just wanna know why," I tired to meet her eyes.

"We're not meant to be together obviously," she answered, walking away.

It felt like she was walking laps to avoid speaking to me and looking for a way out without having to use the door. I didn't want to be having the conversation either but there was no escaping it. I still had questions. I didn't want to wake up to a note on the pillow either.

"Says you. We can still try again," I muttered.

"Sophie, for God's sake!" she threw her hands up in the air, fazed. "We don't see or speak to each for years and when we do, we end up in bed together! Another drunken mistake I want to forget."

"We weren't a drunken mistake before."

"No, the drunken mistake _you_ made."

I knew exactly what she was talking about. _Again_. Why couldn't she just forget about it?

It was my turn to talk through my teeth. "My drink was _spiked_."

"She didn't spike your brain, though. You did that on your own," she scoffed.

"Why does that matter? Why can't we get past what happened."

I tried to move towards her but she backed away into the corner and I wasn't about to get out the bed.

"Because we were teenagers. Some things should be left there," she breathed out, crossing her arms over her chest.

"We're not seventeen anymore," I whispered.

"No," she shook her head, "but do you remember what you told me on our wedding day?"

"No?"

"You told me you were scared because you didn't want us to end up like your parents," she started picking at the loose fabric on her shirt to avoid looking at me. "And we have."

"How?" I pleaded.

"I loved you, Sophie, more than anything in this world. We went through a lot of shit together and it ended badly. And, like I said, we see each other again and we have sex," she said lowly before looking at me finally. "Does that not sound like something they did countless times?"

"Yes, but—"

"Do you remember how much that upset you every time it happened?" she interrupted. "I was there every time. I'm not about to live that rollercoaster again and again. It's not good for either of us."

Getting frustrated, I run a hand through my knotted hair, moving it over to the side. "We'd work it out—"

"No! I don't want a life of drama!" she tried not to shout because of the hour. "I don't want to keep going back to the past and reliving it every single time we argue. We couldn't even see each other now and not talk about it. I wish I'd never come."

"Well, go then!" I spat back.

"I'm fucking trying," she said bluntly. "You shouldn't have woken up."

"You shouldn't have made a noise," I scoffed. "You always were rubbish at sneaking out."

I remember the mornings she tried to be quiet getting ready for college and the nights when she first moved in. She was suppose to be sharing with Rosie but we always found a way to see each other when everyone was asleep just so we could talk more. The nights we'd get a little carried away but nothing serious because we were both too scared to go further.

"Oh, I'm fucking sorry for walking into the bed I couldn't see. In the hotel room I just fucked my ex-girlfriend in. How unthoughtful of me!"

I almost whined at the way she worded everything. As if we just used each other when that couldn't have been further from the truth—for me anyway.

"Don't say it like that."

"How do you want me say it, Sophie? You want me to say it was love? Well, it wasn't! I can't even believe I'm still here talking about it!" she pushed herself away from the wall.

"So that's it? You're really going?"

"Yep," she said coldly.

With a quick look in her bag, she started towards the door.

"It was nice seeing you…"

"Please stop," she groaned, throwing her head back. She turned to me. "Look, thank you for the drinks. I'm glad you found other happiness. Go find it again. I… I, just… I need to go."

And like that, she was gone again. Again, I didn't chase after her. This time, I didn't even say anything. Not even an I love you would change anything. She was right. I tried hard to fight against it. Maybe it's the loneliness talking. Seeing her face again reminded me of happier times. The happier times we shared. I know we had our rough times. She's right about that, too. Maybe a little piece of me wants to go back. Maybe I just want to feel loved again and she was the first one to make me feel real love.

I don't regret going to Pride. I don't regret what happened. I still have questions but maybe she's right, maybe they're best left in the past. \

* * *

 **The End. Only ever meant to be a short writing exercise for myself. Never written anything like this before. Don't really think it's my style and it's a little rusty but I hope it was good enough and I did Sian justice as a bitch, just how I imagined she'd be even if it's been a few years.**

 **I'm open to any feedback.**


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